Reality Check
by SweetXSacrifice
Summary: Bella falls and hits her head on a rock. When she wakes up, she realizes she’s not that clumsy, realizes Edward is not the only perfect Greek god, and that sparkling vampires is kind of lame, amongst other things.
1. Chapter 1

Summary: Bella falls and hits her head on a rock. When she wakes up, she realizes she's not that clumsy, realizes Edward is not the only perfect Greek god, and that sparkling vampires is kind of lame, amongst other things. Parody/Humor

**Reality Check**

It was a dreary, wet, rainy and horribly mucky day in Forks yet again, for the sole purpose of allowing the Cullens to run amok. Bella was getting ready for to head over to the Cullens to meet her perfect, wonderful and flawless vampire boyfriend, Edward Cullen. She was so excited! Charlie was conveniently at Billy Black's house fishing.

Running down the stairs, she thoughtlessly tripped over a small boulder. She flipped, doing a complete 180 spin, but lucky enough, her Adonis Edward popped out of nowhere and caught her. Edward steadied Bella and gave her that crooked smile because he didn't know how to smile normally.

"Bella, what would you do without me?" Edward chuckled.

"Die I guess. I couldn't live without you, I'd probably jump off a cliff or ride motorcycles and just act like a uber depressed teen for about 5 months." Bella said. Edward noticed her heartbeat was going a mile a minute, he knew he was dazzling her. It wasn't his fault he was so perfect and flawless with his crooked smile.

"I can hear your heart going a mile a minute Bella. Calm down."

"Well, you're dazzling me! I can't help it. I'm just amazed that such a perfect, flawless Greek Adonis would pay attention to me. I'm so unworthy. Why!!!" Bella started sobbing loudly.

"Bella, Bella. How many times do I have to say it? I love you. I love your lanky frame, your pale skin that's beyond the point of attraction, and needless to say, your undeveloped bust." Edward scooped Bella in his arms, running out to his super sexy Volvo that was unlike any car Bella's ever seen. Because silver Volvo's are just the top of the line in luxury cars.

"Oh, thank you so much Edward!" Bella took this opportunity to throw herself on Edward. She knew the supposed celibate Vampire didn't want this, but Bella was such a horny beast and had to try. Ravishing him with her tongue, like she saw in those movies, Edward was starting to react in a similar manner.

"Stop! Bella, I don't want to hurt you. I couldn't!" Edward dry sobbed, filled with self-loathing and pity.

"I know you wouldn't hurt me Edward. I know you wouldn't because you're a vampire who denies himself of human blood but loves me more than you love my wonderfully smelling blood."

"NO! I haven't had sex for 100 years and I'm not going to break that record now. Sure, there have been hotter vamps than you, a mere breakable human, but I've waited all my life for you. Because I'm psychic and knew you were going to be here." Edward claimed. Little did she know, he was a man whore.

Thinking he was sweet and oh so romantic, Bella quickly agreed and settled in the passenger seat. A few minutes later, the arrived at the perfect and luxurious Cullens home that didn't have motes or coffins. The sun decided to make it's presence known and hit Edward's skin. It was so beautiful, like diamonds.

Edward ran to Bella's side of the door and opened it for her. But tragically, she was almost out of the car when all of sudden, her left foot caught on the bottom part of the car and she fell.

"Why didn't you catch me Edward? That's like your full time job." Bella pouted and dusted off her horribly unfashionable jeans and ratty tshirt.

"I dunno. You're okay, just take a chill pill Bella." He dazzled her again, and she forgot everything instantly.

"Okay, let's go inside!"

Walking in the living room, Alice was looking at fashion magazines and bouncing up and down because that's what Alice does. She bounces up and down for absolutely no reason. Jasper was glued to her side, he didn't know what else to do, he was just Alice's little puppet.

Esme was cooking and just generally being unbelievably nice. No one asked why she was cooking, they didn't find it odd, especially since she was a vampire that couldn't eat. She just loved cooking for Bella, everyone just loved feeding, and answering Bella's every beckoned call, because she was so utterly helpless. So human!

Rosalie and Emmet could be heard from up the stairs. Well it was obvious what they were doing. It was loud and clear, cause all Rosalie and Emmett were able to do was to be horny vampires and offer comic relief.

"Well let's go upstairs to my room, we can listen to classical music and so not make out."

"Woo, that sounds so great!" Bella said.

Before they could even make it to the first step, Alice turned her head and squealed!

"What are you so excited about Alice?" Bella asked in hesitation. She expected Alice to want to go on a shopping spree for her. But she dreaded that, because she hated getting nice things. Bella just hated shopping period, she thought it was a complete waste of time, she rather just sulk and wear shotty clothes. Much more appealing.

"Nothing. I just decided to squeal, it's what I do." Alice smiled and was still bouncing up and down like a little pixie. That's the only way to describe Alice, pixie. Words like troll, doll, or tiny just didn't cut it, pixie was the only option.

Bella just shrugged and continued up the steps. Well, she tried to continue. Her right foot was in front of her left, and she fell, smashing her head onto a step. Emmett appeared out of nowhere and boomed with laughter. Cause when Emmett laughs, he can only do it in a booming voice.

Glaring at Emmett, Edward freaked out like crazy. "Shut the hell up Emmett. Someone call Carlisle! The only reason he exists is to take care of Bella after her spills! Hurry! He'll know what to do!"

Bella's head cracked open and a small amount of blood splattered out. Edward was sobbing, holding Bella's body to him, protective, and growled at Jasper.

"Don't come near her Jasper! You've only been off of human blood for 8 years. You can't resist it!" He growled again for good measure.

Jasper looked at Edward bored. "Yeah, I seriously can't resist. That's why I haven't moved since Bella came in."

Eventually, after Edward sulked some more, Alice had a vision. "What is it Alice?"

"We have to take Bella to the hospital! Carlisle will be there! He's a doctor." Alice gasped.

The Cullens piled into Emmett's jeep, and because it's so vital to know, the Cullen couples had to sit in each other's laps. Once at the hospital, Edward rushed into the hospital, at barely human speed.

"CARLISLE! HELP ME! HELP BELLA! HELP!!!" Edward screamed, but still screamed in a velvet voice. He was incapable of speaking in anything other than a velvet voice that is just another factor in Edward Cullen's dazzling ability.

A nurse that was completely taken back by Edward's undeniable sex appeal showed them to a room. Edward set Bella on the table and paced back and forth impatiently. Bella was still unconscious. Then Dr. Carlisle Cullen sauntered in with his hot vampireness and of course, he was not surprised to see Bella there.

"Hello Edward. Sorry you had to wait son, I just came out of a triple bypass surgery and then delivered a baby. Oh and I just found the cure for AIDs cause I'm most perfect and intelligent doctor ever!" Carlisle walked over to Bella.

Simply by waving his hand over Bella's head, he made a diagnosis. "She has a concussion, when she wakes up, she could be a little kooky, or maybe just some amnesia…I really don't know. You'll figure it out son. I got to disappear now, I'm not that important."

Edward flashed a crooked smile for the millionth time that day and turned to Bella and started dry sobbing, again for the millionth time.

Picking her up, he ran to their own personal meadow. Because having your own meadow was also uber romantic, and Edward was romantic as a natural result of his prefect Greek god characteristics. She opened her eyes, confused.

Looking around, Bella realized she was lying on the ground. And then she noticed Edward Cullen was sparkling. Blinking a few times, she realized everything she once thought was so stupid and highly illogical.

"Um. Edward?"

"Yes, my love?" He attempted to dazzle her with his only form of smiling.

"Can you tell me why the hell you can't smile any other way? Oh and I know I said it was beautiful when you're out in the sun and sparkling. But….well…it's kind of lame and fruity. I mean, a vampire sparkling? Who ever heard of that?" Bella got up and looked around.

"And this meadow is stupid. Take me back to civilization now!" Bella started to walk off in an a direction she thought was the right way.

"Okay. Okay. But wait up, I don't want you to hurt yourself again." Edward stood up. He was confused as to why Bella was acting so, so, realistic.

"Why would I hurt myself? I'm not some stupid, blind, damsel in distress that needs you to save me. Contrary to popular belief."

Edward shook his head and sighed. 'Maybe she should hit her head again.' He thought.

**AN: Hum..just wanted a little break from my more serious stories. I just thought it would be funny to do a parody. I could continue if you want. Review, pls!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2 Summary: Bella, now 'seeing the light', calls out the cullens and any other ridiculousness. **

**Chapter 2**

Edward brought Bella back to the Cullens house. When Jasper noticed, he pointlessly sent out waves of calm to everyone. Rosalie turned to him and glared.

"I don't want to be calm Jasper! If I'm calm, I can't hate Bella to the best of my ability." Rosalie hissed. She hisses with everything she says, and she's always mad for no reason. Carlisle's theory is its because she is so beautiful that it angers her.

Jasper shrieked in fear but anger too cause, well, cause he's an empathy. So exciting. Emmett came bursting down the steps with a huge grin plastered on his face.

"Bella! My favorite sister that I'm in no way related to! Let's play some x-box…or…we could do something stupid because it's so funny." Emmett boomed with laughter.

Bella's eyes fell into narrow slits. She shook her head amazed at how stupid Emmett really was. "Take a chill pill Emmett. Wow. I'm going to go sleep."

With that last comment, Edward scooped Bella up and started to take Bella to his room. Laying her on a bed that magically appeared, Edward went to stand next to his windows. He was sulking again, expecting Bella to just ooze with concern.

Bella just looked at the bed. It was obviously new and made no since being in the room of a supposed 100 year old virgin. All of a sudden, Edward pulled up a chair, stared at Bella intently. She was trying to sleep actually, but felt someone watching her. Opening her eyes, she gasped.

"What the hell Edward! Why are you like 2 feet away from me, watching me sleep? Creep."

"I'm, I'm not a creep Bella. I just find it fascinating the way you sleep. And seeing you on the bed is just so tempting. No! I'm not good for you Bella." Edward stood, knocking the chair out the window.

"Bipolar much! I seriously don't get you Edward. You want to have sex but you don't want to make me a vampire. You're an idiot and are going to stay a virgin for ever!" Bella shook her head and pulled out a tethered copy of Wuthering Heights since that was the only book she was aware of.

"I want filet mignon and some roasted carrots." She whispered since she knew Esme could hear her. She left Edward who was as still as a rock. Not because he was a vampire and didn't have to move, but because he was so distraught. Thoughts of visiting the Volturi flooded his mind. But then he realized that he was scared of heights.

Esme handed Bella her plate of perfectly cooked food made from a noneating vampire. Emmett then came to stand in front of Bella, shocked at her presence.

"What Emmett?" Bella asked impatiently.

"You. You, didn't trip down the stairs." Emmett stumbled. Scratching his head…he connected the dots. "OMG! Edward finally changed you! Although you look the same, still ugly you know?"

Bella snorted. "You're such a dumbass it's not even funny. Seriously Emmett, your dead on this time. Edward changed me, cause we have really been upstairs for three days, and I had a really fast formation."

"Wait till Carlisle hears about this! He's going to have some research to do!" Emmett said.

Carlisle then entered the room. Hearing that he could do research, he smiled calmly. Bella glared at him and brushed him off. Things were getting dull and normal, and then for absolutely no reason, Victoria came smashing through the windows.

"No! Not my French bay windows! RAWR!" Esme screamed, growled, and yes, she hissed. But Victoria just ignored her and continued in the house. Her bare feet were gross and she was covered in leaves and dirt because she is a nomad. It makes perfect sense for nomadic vampires to be dirty, cause it's just so much fun.

"Well, well. Look who is still hanging out with the vamps. Silly girl, I would have thought you'd learn your lesson by now." She was getting ready to pounce, but another crash can be heard through the front door. Aros enters and politely says hi to the Cullens before gazing to Bella.

"This is ridiculous. Victoria, you need a shower, and Aros, do you seriously have nothing better to do than come all the way to Forks, Washington yourself?"

They were both contemplating this. Esme was gently shaking back and forth, she was going through withdrawls on account of the broken windows. Edward was still basking his self pity. Aro wasn't too sure how to respond and the remaining Cullens just stood in stalemate, waiting for someone else to make the first move.

"If you have to know Bella, things were getting too simple and some unknown force pulled me to get involved. And you're right, I stink."

"And I'm just here in a poor attempt at making a more complex situation. And to give you and many others more reasons to say Volturi in your head." Aro finished.

A scream could be heard from somewhere upstairs. "OH NO! Aro and Victoria are coming!" Alice gasped, she had a vision.

"Yeah, great timing dimwit. Why don't you do everyone a favor and take your little pixie legs to the mall?" Bella yelled back.

All of a sudden, Victoria just ran off, and Aro had a change of heart deciding to allow Bella to live. Aro left out a door. And just for the hell of it, Victoria jumped out the last French bay window.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! EVER HEARD OF A DAMN DOOR?!" Esme screamed.

**AN: This is pretty much complete. I'm running out of funny. Review please! **


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 Summary: Changing it up a little. Bella comes across and of course the twilight section. She reads a lot of the stories and guess what? She has some things to say about it!**

BPOV

I've had enough of all the Cullens for today. I decide to check out the internet. One of my friends told me about this site, fanfiction, so I was finally going to check it out. Once connected, I typed in the url and randomly clicked around.

'Twilight. Hmm…I've read those books, I wonder if that's interesting.' I click on the link and delve in.

After a few hours, I start looking for anything with the slightest bit of original material. All I have been able to find are stories about the same thing, only different authors. And then I get sucked in thinking that they have to have done something to make it different. But then I get to the end and want to scream with frustration as they end the same way.

I mean damn. There are a million copies of the same stories. This Bella, who I guess is me, is dumped by Edward. She's uber depressed, but Edward comes back. Oh wait no instant happy ending, Bella/me is angry and hurt by Edward for like 10 years then caves. Boring! Been there done that.

Other ones aren't much better. These 'writers' will start out using the same plot basically as these Twilight saga books or whatever, and claim there's a difference. But all of a sudden, they will throw in Victoria or James whenever the situation gets boring, which is more often than not. Screw this! It takes like 20 minutes to find a decent story, and that's no exaggeration.

I'm about to give up all hope of creativity when I notice some kind of initials. AH. I don't know what that means. Lemme think. 'A' could mean a number of thing. Also, Always, Apple, Ass….no. All! It has to be all. Ok, now 'H'. Hand, Hack, Hole, Hell…Human. All Human? So I guess that means stories including AH in the summary means All Human.

That doesn't really make sense. I though the whole lure and purpose of the Twilight saga was the vampire part? Whoever started that must have been on a whole lot of crack that day. Talk about boring, if I wanted to read a story with all humans, well, I'd read Wuthering Heights or something with actual depth.

Then an overwhelming amount of stories where the main girl, Bella, is a rock star. Cause that's really believable and creative. You would think that when someone starts writing one of these fics, that they would think about NOT doing something already done. Guess people just don't think about those things. But then, these 'rock star Bella' stories aren't even half original. Half the time they take rock star Bella and combine it with the whole Edward left and now Bella's depressed/later pissed off stories.

I've had enough of this petrified crap. Turning off the computer, Jacob Black steps into the room.

"You're a filthy leech now aren't you?" His body was convulsing and he was about to turn I guess.

"No. And I don't even know why you're still obsessed with me, it's getting old." I calmly say.

"Bella, that bloodsucker could never give you what you deserve, he's not even human. I'm not either, but that doesn't matter I love you." He said with wild eyes and an irrational voice.

I look around, and before I could answer the whole Cullens were surrounding me, crouching, growling and hissing. The hissing was Rosalie, needless to say.

"Yeah, um. This is stupid. I don't 'love' you Jacob. I don't even know why we became best friends in like the first 5 minutes of me coming to Forks. So shove off.

And Rosalie? It would be great if you could give growling a shot. Hissing is annoying." I glared at Rosalie.

"Yeah, sorry Bella. Its really making my throat dry anyway, I just can't help it."

**AN: Story is finished. And even though this is a parody/humor story I feel like I should say it anyway. No offense was meant by my making fun of the different…or actually same….stories in fanfiction/twilight. I mean…I guess if you wrote a story like this you could be offended cause what I wrote, I was kinda serious, and I'm not apologizing for saying it. So if you feel the need to flame me. Go ahead, I eat them. **


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